


Puppy Tails - Autocorrect

by Aurora_bee



Series: Puppy tails [62]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Drunk Texting, Embarrassed John, Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Silly, Texting, autocorrect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-29
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2017-11-10 23:41:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurora_bee/pseuds/Aurora_bee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various texts from John Watson..  </p><p>This is not an original work per se, I have used various autcorrect fails I have seen or  been told about, I am only resposible for the application. </p><p>CAUTION: DO NOT READ WITH A HOT DRINK, OR EATING, OR LAYING IN BED WITH A COUGH.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Makani](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makani/gifts).



Where are you?  
SH

I’m whacking Gladstone.  
JW

What?  
SH

Sorry wanking.  
JW 

No, no! I meant walking. WALKING!  
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

Sorry was trying to find the number for your therapist.  
SH

 

Can you dig out the scissors? I have cum in my hair.  
JW

That will wash out John.  
SH

Oh god, GUM, not the other thing.  
JW

Good, I was starting to wonder what you and Lestrade were doing.  
SH

 

What are you doing tonight?  
SH

Meeting up with a hitman.  
JW

???  
SH

SHIT, meeting up with a HOT man, thought we could go out for dinner.  
JW

I thought you were going to be my next case then.  
SH

 

There’s another severed head in the fridge. I’m going to strangle you.  
JW

Autocorrect playing up again?  
SH

No!  
JW

 

You still enjoying anal birds?  
JW

Not really, I’ve split up with the wife.  
GL

I’m mortified, I meant ANGRY birds, sorry Greg.  
JW

No problem. Yeah. It’s good but I keep getting harder.  
GL

*it keeps getting harder.  
GL

Hope you’re talking about angry birds.  
JW

 

I wish you were home John, Gladstone and I are pining.  
SH

That’s sweet. I wish I could kill you.  
JW

We’re going to Lestrade’s.  
SH

What?  
JW

Shit I meant KISS.  
JW

 

Do you fancy a game of darts down the pub tonight Greg?  
JW

Yeah sure, sounds good.  
GL

I’m going to win tonight I can feel it in my boner.  
JW

Uh ok.  
GL

I meant BONES!  
JW

Of course you did, Sherlock’s not bending over a corpse again is he?  
GL

How’d you know that?  
JW

I’m psychic.  
GL

 

Do you want some cakes and tea John?  
Mrs Hudson

Yes please. This hooker you lent me isn’t sucking very well.  
JW

We’ll be having words when I get up there young man.  
Mrs Hudson

HOOVER – I hate this phone.  
JW

 

You coming down or what?  
GL

Yeah, just gave Sherlock erections.  
JW

TMI  
GL

I can’t even be bothered to correct this damned phone now.  
JW

 

Sherlock did you fuck Gladstone today?  
JW

No I did not.  
SH

I meant FEED! That’s it I’m getting a new phone. Autoeroticasphyxia is stupid.  
JW

I couldn’t agree more.  
SH

 

I’m in ASDA, do you want me to get anything for dinner?  
SH

I just want to fuck.  
JW

Chinese? They have crispy duck.  
SH

That was not an autocorrect error.  
JW

Be home in 5.  
SH


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More auto text errors.

You remember you wanted to learn about sentiment? We’re going to watch Forest Hump tonight.  
JW

Do you want me to get some more lube?  
SH

What?  
JW

Oh Jesus! Not this phone too. I meant FOREST GUMP!  
JW

I’ll get some anyway. We can watch Jurassic Pork afterwards.  
SH

Haha, I’m not the only one with auto correct issues.  
JW

I typed that in correctly John.  
SH

Oh…  
JW

 

Sherlock, have you got a saggy vag from Mycroft?  
JW

Certainly not!  
SH

DOGGIE BAG I’m a bit perverted.  
JW

I know that John.  
SH

PECKISH  
JW

No I didn’t get one. Do you want me to pick something up for you?  
SH

Bag of crisps and some salted penis please.  
JW

I assume you mean salted peanuts?  
SH

Kill me now, this phone’s worse than the last one.  
JW

 

Sherlock I forgot my keys can you bring my cockring to the surgery.  
JW

Didn’t know you had one.  
SH

What?  
JW

Why do you need a cock ring to get into the flat?  
SH

Oh bollocks! Forget it, I’ll get Mrs Hudson to let me in.  
JW

 

How are you feeling John?  
Mike

Looking forward to the day when I’m not blowing minors all day.  
JW

Mike?  
JW

My nose, my nose not minors. That’s sick. Autotext.  
JW

Mike?  
JW

Sorry just phoning the police back, you might get a visit later today.  
Mike

 

You still into crossword puzzles? I picked up a big book of them for you yesterday.  
HW

I’m really into sodomy at the moment.  
JW

What, giving or receiving?  
HW

Harry are you drunk?  
JW

Read what you sent me you ass.  
HW

SODUKU! Sorry Harry, thanks for the book.  
JW

 

Want to meet me for lunch John? The new manager at Louis' owes me a favour.  
SH

Sorry I just ate Lucy.  
JW

Oh. Does that mean you want to move back into the spare room?  
SH

What?  
JW

Oh for god sake. Auto correct disaster. I meant lunch I just ate lunch.  
JW

Sherlock? I love you, only you!  
JW

We have to go shopping tonight.  
SH

Why?  
JW

Several pairs of your trousers have had the crotch cut out.  
SH

That’s a bit not good, but kind of sweet at the same time.  
JWxxx

 

Sherlock I’m cleaning my boobs do you want me to do yours?  
JW

No thank you. I had a shower this morning.  
SH

WTF?  
JW

Oh, boots Sherlock.  
JW

Yes.  
SH

 

Did you want me to get you a cock Sherlock?  
JW

No thank you I already have one.  
SH

Why did you send me to the bar then?  
JW

I wanted a COKE  
SH


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even more autocorrect errors!

Where are you?  
SH

At the surgery wanking overtime.  
JW

You could do that at home.  
SH

I HATE THIS PHONE!  
JW

 

You don’t need to cook dinner Mrs Hudson, I’m arousing a chicken.  
JW

Can you come down stairs John Mrs Hudson seems to have passed out.  
SH

 

Can you call Apple and get my laptop fixed?  
SH

I think the cervix centre closes at 6.  
JW

That’s nice but what time does the service centre close?  
SH

I just said 6!  
JW

Oh.. Sorry Sherlock.  
JW

 

I’m bored Sherlock.  
JW

Makes a change. What are you doing?  
SH

Just shitting on the couch reading the paper.  
JW

Please clean it up before I get home, I may be late.  
SH

SITTING!  
JW

 

We won! You coming down the pub later.  
GL

Sure, time to celebrate, I’m going to get circumcised!  
JW

Bit extreme isn’t it?  
GL

PISSED how in god’s name did it autocorrect to that!  
JW

 

I wove you Sherlock.  
JW

Into what?  
SH

No I mean I lode you..XXX  
JW

Are you drunk John.  
SH

Yup, will you lick me up?  
JW

When you get home I may.  
SH

 

We’ve got to go to a party at Aunt Joan’s on the 30th will sex you details later.  
JW

Sex me?  
HW

Text, bloody phone.  
JW

 

Did the shopping with Mrs Hudson this morning.  
JW

Where are the teabags John?  
SH

Mrs Hudson must have put them in her vag by mistake.  
JW

It’s ok I don’t feel like tea now.  
SH

 

I’m lesbian now see you in 10 minutes.  
JW

I thought you were gay?  
HW

LEAVING! What do you mean gay I like girls!  
JW

And Sherlock Holmes. What does that make you then?  
HW

Confused generally.  
JW

 

I’m bored.  
SH

It’s late, you should probably hit the gay.  
JW

HAY, damn it!  
JW

 

You’re a cake munching fairy.  
JW

John?  
MH

No it’s Sherlock, just wanted to see if John’s auto correct was still playing up.  
JW

Is it?  
MH

No.  
JW

 

I just fed Gladstone some arsenic, he seems to like it.  
JW

You did WHAT! I’m coming home now.  
SH

Oh shit parsnip Sherlock, parsnip. I’m doing roast dinner.  
JW

I’m buying you a new phone.  
SH

 

Did you like my party John? Sherlock seemed bored.  
Mollyxxx

Yes, fury mice.  
JW

Uhm, did you see mice in my flat?  
Mollyxxx

Sorry autocheck is playing up. Very nice Molly.  
JW

 

Sherlock I love you for who you ate.  
JW

Are you sure this wasn’t meant for Mycroft?  
SH

Oh haha!  
JW

 

Could I bottom £20 Sherlock?  
JW

I’d rather not waste money that way.  
SH

Just give me £20 when you get home.  
JW

 

Sorry this week has been so bad in work. Hopefully I’ll get better herpes next week.  
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

Oh for Christ sake, HOURS. I don’t have herpes. Find me another phone and I’ll suck you off.  
JW

Was that last part an autocheck error?  
SH

No.  
JW

Just popping into Carphone Whorehouse now.  
SH

Sherlock?  
JW

Sorry my mind was somewhere else. Carphone Warehouse.  
SH


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not more autocorrect disasters!
> 
> I actually did the first one myself today, however I will not be buying black leper corns!

Pick me up some black leper corns at ASDA please.  
JW

I’ll see if they have any at the morgue.  
SH

Black pepper corns, ewe.  
JW

 

Have you eaten the last of my Poofarts?  
JW

Really I am not going to text you back until you’ve proof read your texts in future.  
SH

Sorry, have you eaten the last of my Poptarts?  
JW

Yes.  
SH

Bastard!  
JW

Check your text again John.  
SH

Greedy bastard!  
JW

 

What am I getting Molly for her birthday again?  
SH

The skin graft kit.  
JW

I just asked at the pharmacy counter they don’t sell them in Boots.  
SH

Try the Yves Saint Laurent counter.  
JW

Security just escorted me out of the store.   
SH

Oh, you might want to try another pharmacy. I meant skin care kit. Sorry…  
JW

 

Err I hate auto erect  
JW

Me to especially when I’m at a swimming pool.  
GL

Do you know how to turn it off?  
JW

Might want to see a specialist about that, sounds like an intimate problem.  
GL

Oh haha!  
JW

 

Did you want me to help you with that sewing?  
Mrs Hudson

No it’s ok now I urinated my trousers earlier.  
JW

Oh dear, are you ok?  
Mrs Hudson

Urinated.  
JW

I know dear.  
Mrs Hudson

Un-hemmed my trousers. I did not wet myself.  
JW

Glad to hear that.  
Mrs Hudson

 

Your colon smells great today.  
JW

Thanks, you have odd tastes…  
SH

COLOGNE  
JW

 

I miss you and Sherlock, you should pop down to Bart’s soon.  
Mollyxxx

Well you know what they say asbestos make the heart grow fonder.  
JW

Do they? I thought it gave you lung cancer?  
Mollyxxx

Absence…  
JW

 

I think I’m getting dick Sherlock.  
JW

I hope not. Who’s with you?  
SH

Norman.  
JW

Who the hell is Norman?  
SH

I meant ‘no-one’.  
JW

You know it’s the bloody autoerect thingy. I’m tired, come home.  
JW

 

Happy Birthday Greg! Sherlock and I have the biggest strap-on for you later!  
JW

I’m flattered but I’m sort of seeing someone so I’ll give it a miss.  
GL

Sorry that was meant to say ‘surprise’.  
JW

It’s not a strap-on is it?  
GL

That would be telling…  
JW

O.o  
GL

 

Where do you want to go to dinner tonight John?  
SH

Bavarian Beerhouse for some gerbilsex.  
JW

German food.. That’s it, I give up on texting!  
JW


	5. Chapter 5

So far this phone is much better.  
JW

That's good to know.  
SH

Thanks for buying it for me. The cockslap keeps getting stuck though.  
JW

*Sigh*  
SH

Huh?  
JW

Read the messages you sent.  
SH

Oh good. It must have reset itself. Please take it off when you get home.  
JW

 

Just emailed you that pic you wanted of the penis.  
JW

You must have sent the wrong photo John all I see is a photograph of some trainers. Please can you resend the penis photo.  
SH

Sorry that was meant to Puma's - you know the trainers for the case. I'm just popping into the loo in Starbucks so the penis pic will be a few minutes ;)  
JW

 

How did the date with Mycroft go?  
JW

God I was nervous. It was like my first date all over again. Hey what was your fist date like?  
GL

Well we went to dinner, I walked her home. Then I killed her in the woods behind her house and left. Was ok.   
JW

Either your autocorrect is on or we need to talk down the station.  
GL

KISSED!!!! He told me he turned it off. I-phone 5 Sherlock said it would be fine.  
JW

 

How's your uncle Dick getting to the funeral?  
SH

He's coming with me in Harry's Vulva.  
JW

What?  
SH

Dick's coming in Harry's Vulva.  
JW

Oh my god that is so wrong. VOLVO.  
JW

I should hope so.  
SH

 

I was just drinking a cock, and jizz exploded all over my face.  
JW

I want you to move out.  
SH

What??!!  
JW

Oh fuck I'm so sorry I meant 'I was just drinking a coke, and fizz exploded all over my face'.  
JW

I love you..  
JW

I just had a cigarette.  
SH

I'm sorry I forgive you. I love you even if you taste like tar.  
SH

 

Sherlock, Mycroft phoned he said you're adopted.  
SH

Not again, he promised to stop telling people that when I was 18. Ignore the fat git.  
JW

No, no. I meant accepted for membership for the Diogenes club.  
JW

Dull...  
SH


	6. Chapter 6

What did you get mum for her birthday?  
HW

I got her the anal beads she wanted.  


Oh god no, delete that, Pandora beads.  
JW

JW

Yeah thanks for straightening that out :*  
HW

 

Is Sherlock around, he’s not answering my texts and I have a question about cigarette ash.  
GL

He’s getting a sex change and he should be back in an hour or so.  
JW

Really? They can do that in an hour?  
GL

Oh for god sake, technology hates me. He’s gone to get an oil change for the car.  
JW

Thank goodness, I can’t imagine what he’d be like with female hormones flying around.  
GL

 

How did it go?  
MH

Raping is done, Sherlock’s showering now.  
JW

I meant wrapping. Not that it will fix the black eye and broken ribs I have from the ‘ninja’ you sent over.  
JW

 

I’m starving, what are we having to eat tonight?  
SH

You starving? Worry not I’m bringing condoms now.  
JW

That’s fine I don’t mind waiting. (I can’t bring myself to type one of those absurd smiley faces, needless to say I am smiling).  
SH

I meant ‘din dins’ but it obviously corrected it to what I was thinking. Psychic auto correct.  
JW

 

I thought while I’m away we could try sexting. So I’ll start. What pants are you wearing?  
JW

Red Y fronts, or option 2 black silk boxers.  
SH

Oh baguette!  
JW

?  
SH

Baby… This isn’t working.  
JW

 

I just wanted to say I love you and if I could I’d buy you a casket I would.  
JW

An interesting gift, I’m actually quite pleased with your choice.  
SH

Shit, I meant a ‘castle’. You know you’re a little strange, but I adore you.  
JW

Ditto. We shall get matching caskets tomorrow, I’ll pay.  
SHxx

 

Bugger, we left the condom untied in Mrs Hudson’s kitchen!  
JW

The last time we had sex in Mrs Hudson’s kitchen was six months ago. I think she would have noticed by now.  
SH

We left the ‘rubbish’ untied, it’s going to smell. You promised never to mention the sex on the fridge incident again.  
JW

I enjoyed it.  
SH

Me too. Just a bit ashamed…  
JW

Mrs Hudson’s going to her sister’s on the weekend.  
SH

We really should have another look at the plumbing again ;)  
JW

 

There’s an inside pocket in this peacock!  
JW

I wasn’t aware they had pockets.  
SH

Peacoat. Urgggg.  
JW


	7. Chapter 7

I really enjoyed the cake you made yesterday. I really must spank you.  
JW

Uhm, I would let you, but I’m not sure what Sherlock would say.  
Molly

I meant ‘thank you’. I’m mortified… And also a little surprised.  
JW

It was just a fad ;)  
Mollyxxx

 

No patients today, I’m a hickey paid Dr for goodness sake. I’m stuffing Sarah’s Christmas ass now.  
JW

You’re doing what!  
SH

Oh god, that was a bad one. ‘I’m a highly paid Dr for goodness sake. I’m stuffing Sarah’s Christmas cards now’.  
JW

Good. Would you like to do some ass stuffing when you get home I’m bored.  
SH

Definitely   
JW

 

I’m picking up some new shits, would you like one?  
JW

I’d rather not.  
SH

I’m in the Armani shop, go on you know you want one.  
JW

I really don’t.  
SH

I’m picking up a really nice toffee coloured one, it’s really soft. I could wear it for you tonight   
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

John, it’s Mrs Hudson dear. Sherlock’s being a bit ill in the toilet. I think he’s gone a bit strange. He’s mumbling about you covering yourself in excrement.  
Mrs Hudson

Oh… Could you tell him I meant ‘shirt’. Autoerect is playing up.  
JW

Autocorrect!!!  
JW

 

Sherlok?  
JW

Shoelock?  
JW

Shitpock?  
JW

Oh ffs S h e r l o c k?  
JW

Yes John.  
SH

 

Merry Christmas. What did you get then?  
HW

I got a new I-pod and some cock books. How about you?  
JW

You were like that when you were a teenager, it wasn’t cock books then. At least we could both enjoy them.  
HW

‘Cook’ books. You know all I really want for Christmas is an autocorrect that doesn’t embarrass me.  
JW

Poor old John   
HW

 

Sherlock, what have you done with the crackpot?  
JW

My brother is probably in the Diogenes club.  
SH

What, no crockpot, I know where the crackpot is, he texted earlier. Mycroft’s coming for dinner.  
JW

I’ll see you tomorrow.  
SH

 

I can’t sleep without you here Sherlock. I tried, I feel so fertile.  
JW

Fertile?   
SH

Sorry ‘restless’, fertile isn’t even close! I’m sooo tired.  
JW


	8. Chapter 8

Sherlock what do you want me to do with the live chickens on the bed?  
JW

That’s absurd you mean the lychees.  
SH

And having crates of lychees on the bed is less absurd?  
JW

 

John dear, would you mind getting me some tea. My hip is playing up and I don’t think I can make it to Tesco.  
Mrs Hudson

Of course Mrs Hudson. Do you want Tit tea?  
JW

I think I’ll stick to the Tetley dear.  
Mrs Hudson

Sorry, I meant Tetley.  
JW

 

Great news Nan is homosexual.  
JW

What? After the lecture she gave me!  
HW

Homo hot lips.  
JW

Hot tulips.  
JW

I’m getting fisted now.  
JW

More than I wanted to know.  
HW

Frustrated damn!  
JW

Nan is h o m e f r o m h o s p i t a l.  
JW

I know mum just texted me.  
HW

 

I have finally discovered the secret ingredient in Mrs Hudson’s fairy cake. I should have known it’s so simple.  
SH

Vaginal extract, she told me the other day.  
JW

John can you come and pick Sherlock up he’s just been violently sick. I think it might have been the cake he just ate.  
Mollyxxx

Vanilla extract Sherlock, sorry. I’m coming to take you home now.  
JW

 

Hey how did Sherlock break his finger?  
GL

It got stuck in my butthole.  
JW

It got stuck in my buttonhole!  
JW

That was the best autocorrect you’ve ever done.  
GL

 

I’m making I-Taliban meatballs for dinner, could you pick up some nice wine to go with them?  
JW

I am unfamiliar with I-Taliban meatballs. I’ll get a merlot.  
SH

Italian meatballs Sherlock, and a merlot will be fine.  
JW

 

John what are you doing at the moment?  
SH

Just masturbating on the sofa.  
JW

Do you think you’ll have finished in two minutes, I’m bringing Lestrade home with me.  
SH

Menstruating sorry.  
JW

Meditating! Ah crabs, I’ll put the kettle on.  
JW

 

God I’m starving, with Mycroft away there’s no food in the house.  
GL

Come over here. I have some nice panties.  
JW

I’m sure you have lol.  
GL

Look to twelve inches to your left Dr Watson. You will see a sniper laser spot on the wall. If you continue to make suggestive comments to my husband the laser spot will move twelve inches to the right.  
MH

Oh god I’m so sorry Greg. I have pasties, corned beef pasties.  
JW

I’ll be over in five ;)  
GL

 

Sherlock what do you want me to do for your Christmas stalking?  
JW

Hide outside at night, use binoculars. Take notes of what I am doing, write me cryptic notes, and steal things from the rubbish.  
SH

What are you talking about? I do most of that anyway.  
JW

Oh, that was supposed to say stocking not stalking.  
JW


	9. Chapter 9

Can I use your little fan?  
JW

I’m feeling a little dick.  
JW

I hope you’re working.  
SH

No, I’m at home.  
JW

Oh, sick, sorry. I feel sick.  
JW

Good, I was starting to think you had Mycroft with you.  
SH

 

Harry and Clara are fighting again. Harry just went off with Clara’s corpse.  
JW

Hardly scores a 1. Would you like me inform Lestrade?  
SH

Corsa. I’m starting to think I should put a little disclaimer at the end of my texts. John Watson cannot be held responsible for autocastration.  
JW

 

I got a new Penis today!  
JW

Penis!  
JW

Penis!  
JW

You’re repeating yourself John. Why did you get a new one? The old one was perfectly fine, it does bend a little to the right, but I try to account for that.  
SH

***PC***  
JW

What do you mean it bends to the right?  
JW

I just saw on the news there was an Earthquake near you, are you ok Molly?  
JW

Yes fine John, my hotel’s still standing. Thanks for asking though.  
Mollyxxx

 

What did it rate on the titty scale?  
JW

They jiggled a little bit.  
Mollyxxx

Oh my god! The Richter scale, my phone is a 12 year old boy.  
JW

 

Is Mrs Hudson ok?  
SH

She’s fine, no need to take her to hospital and the bees are safely outside.  
JW

She had to take the deep penis.  
JW

Does that help with a bee sting? I must have deleted that.  
SH

Epic penis.  
JW

Oh for fuck sake, epi pen.  
JW

Pity. I have just been stung.  
SH

Of course the epi pen doesn’t work for everyone. I could try the deep penis with you later.  
JW

I’ll be 15 minutes.  
SH

 

Chicken vaginas for dinner Mrs Hudson?  
JW 

No thank you I have a tin of baked beans I can warm up.  
Mrs Hudson

God sorry no. I meant kicking fajitas.  
JW

Mrs Hudson?  
JW

 

How are you feeling mate?  
Mike

Still not good. Been drinking Sherlock’s pube juice.  
JW

I didn’t need to know that. My top lip won’t uncurl now the thought was so disgusting.  
Mike

Prune juice, sorry mate.  
JW 

 

Sherlock! Respond to my boner!!!  
JW

In the middle of something right now, can it wait a moment?  
SH

?  
JW

How did ‘text’ autocorrect to ‘boner’?  
JW


	10. Chapter 10

Yes! Mycroft got me the new Chelsea kit I wanted. Let’s go to the pub and celebrate!  
GL

You’re fucking bankers! See you at 7?  
JW

Not a banker, a minor Government official. See you at 7 then.  
GL

Huh? Oh, sorry I meant ‘fucking bonkers’.  
JW

Ta mate ;)  
GL

You know I’m a Spurs fan ;)  
JW

 

I have had the worst day ever. I just want you to fist me when I get home and forget all about it.  
JW

Are you sure? I have quite large hands.  
SH

No, no, no god no. I meant kiss me, not the other thing.  
JW

Good news John, we won’t need to buy lube for the next year.  
SH

You weren’t really going to try it?  
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

Of course not.  
SH

Please pick up your rubber gloves before John returns Mrs Hudson.  
SH

I am not your housekeeper.  
Mrs Hudson

 

Can we set up a teleconference with you and Sherlock tomorrow please.  
MH

I don’t think we can, we’re in and out of cunt all day.  
JW

I beg your pardon.  
MH

Court, sorry Mycroft.  
JW

Well this is awkward. I will speak to you later in the week.  
MH

 

What a horrible day. Screw the gym, I’m getting pregnant tonight!  
JW

Is there something you want to tell me?  
SH

Shit, I mean Pringles. But I don’t mind getting some practice in for the other thing.  
JW

And people think I’m strange.  
SH

 

John I feel really congested. Come home.  
SH

I can’t come home I’m at work Sherlock. Have you tried rubbing some dicks on your chest? It will help.  
JW

NO DO NOT DO THAT!  
JW

Vicks in the medicine cabinet.  
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

You’d better not be rubbing dicks on your chest!  
JW

I’m coming hone now! Where are you?  
JW

Sorry I must have nodded off.  
SH

 

So how did you like the nativity John? Wasn’t my Jenny wonderful as an angel.  
Mike

She was fantastic, you have a little thespian in the family. The seats were a bit rubbish though. I felt like I was sitting on a cock.  
JW

I didn’t think Sherlock came with you.  
Mike

He didn’t.  
JW

Rock not cock…. Funking phone.  
JW

 

That bar up the street for you is fantastic, give me anal when you want to go again.  
JW

Wouldn’t a text be easier?  
GL

How did ‘a call’ correct to ‘anal’? I have lost all respect for this phone.  
JW

 

Sherlock will you give me a call when you get home.  
JW

What sort of call?  
SH

Never mind, just meet me in the bedroom.  
JW


	11. Chapter 11

Are you feeling any better? Sherlock is driving me nuts.  
GL

Not really, sick Germans are attacking me.  
JW

I mean germs, I’m not Basil Fawlty. Don’t hate me I’m sick.  
JW

 

I’m having a bible bath care to join me?  
JW

I would but I’m not completely sure what that would entail. Are any priests involved?  
SH

WTF?  
JW

Oh. Well you could wear the clerical collar.  
JW

 

I just washed your clitoris Sherlock.  
JW

Sherlock?  
JW

Clothes, clitoris? Really? I don’t think I’ve ever felt a need to type clitoris.  
JW

 

I’m taking Gladstone to the broilers.  
JW

I hope that was an auto-correct error.  
SH

Groomers, I would never hurt Gladstone. I love you both too much.  
JW

 

Have you left yet?  
JW

On the way  
GL

Does that mean you’re almost hard?  
JW

Bit personal mate!  
GL

Here not hard!   
JW

 

Christmas music in the shops Santa Maria’s coming to town!  
JW

Nice cause she hasn’t visited for years  
HW

Santa Claus. Sweet baby cheeses!  
JW

Just stop texting now for everyone’s sake.   
HW

 

Are you going to be home by lunch time? I have to go and measure Harry’s dick.  
JW

I forbid it!  
SH

Deck, ewe you thought I was mwasuring…  
JW

You never know with your sister.  
SH

 

Have you got a minute? I need your assinmyface.  
JW

John Watson, I’m ashamed of you young man.  
Mrs Hudson

John wants me to let you know he is sincerely sorry, he meant ‘assistance’, and large bouquet will be delivered for you this afternoon. He would apologise in person but he is too embarrassed to leave the flat.  
SH

 

I’ll be ready in a minute Greg I just need to finger my coffee.  
JW

No problem, I’ll leave as soon as I give a quick handjob to my lemonade.  
GL


	12. Chapter 12

I should have never taken that tablet this morning, I feel horny.  
JW

What have you taken?!!! And I think this email was meant for Sherlock.  
GL

Oh shit no, I typed drowsy I took a Benadryl. I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the pub.  
JW

 

Dr Watson your appointment to review your loan is at 11.30 today, please bring all relevant paperwork.  
Denise Jones (Manager)

Thank you, I look forward to sleeping with you.   
Dr John Watson

I apologise the autocorrect on my phone is playing up. I am very happy with my partner and our dog. I look forward to speaking with you.   
Dr John Watson

I’m not implying we do anything with the dog, I’m against that sort of thing. Gladstone is part of the family, like Mrs Hudson our ladlady.  
Dr John Watson

Landlady, she’s not a ladyboy. Not that I have anything against transsexuals, it’s just she’s not one.  
Dr John Watson

You’re not going to review my loan are you?  
Dr John Watson

No.  
Denise Jones (Manager)

 

I’m going to the pub with Greg. Mrs Hudson’s arshole’s in the fridge for you.  
JW

I beg you pardon. Mrs Hudson seemed quite offended when I enquired.  
SH

Rissoles in the fridge. Oh god, apologise to Mrs Hudson for me or she may never make them again.   
JW

 

I’m finally leaving you, there was jam in the loo.  
JW

Why is Sherlock currently sitting in your living room drinking 20 year old single malt whiskey from the bottle at 10am?  
MH

Have we run out of glasses?  
JW

I suggest you look at your last text Dr Watson.  
MH

No, no, no. Sherlock, I’m finally leaving LONDON there was a jam in WATERLOO! I’m coming home now.  
JW

Leave at the next station a car will be waiting for you.  
MH

 

What’s a cat’s favourate colour?

Purpuric  
JW

?  
Mollyxx

Purpura  
JW

Purtness  
JW

Purifactory  
JW

My guess is purple.  
Mollyxx

I hate this phone.  
JW

 

John, Mrs Turner would like to make an appointment on Friday at the clinic, do you think you could slip her in?  
Mrs Hudson

No idiot I’m booked solid Friday.  
JW

Fine if you’re going to be like that you can make your own tea.  
Mrs Hudson

Sorry, that meant to say ‘no I’don’t’ not ‘idiot’. I can probably fit her in today though at about 4.  
JW

We are still going to be having words when you get home young man.  
Mrs Hudson

Sorry Mrs Hudson.  
JW

 

Can you try to get Sherlock here for 7pm please.  
MH

I’ll try but you know what he’s like, stop rubbing your bum on the rug!  
JW

I can assure you I am not doing anything of the kind.  
MH

Sorry was trying speech to text.  
JW

Ah, Gladstone.  
MH

Of course. Sherlock put your trousers back on!  
JW


End file.
